skjam

And now we come to the story that made my name on the Fanfic Mailing List back in the day. It's kind of dated now, and has a lot of in-jokes, but some of you may still be interested.

SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(Ranma 1/2 characters created by Rumiko Takahashi, no infringement
intended. Various characters who show up later are also copyright the appropriate people, except real-life persons and a few characters created by Scott K. Jamison, but don't let that stop you from reading
this anyways:-)

(Scene: The CyberX Cafe, early evening. The coffeeshop/Internet provider is moderately busy, with what passes for a trendy Gen X crowd in Minneapolis. The waitperson, Ashley, has black hair with magenta streaks, and some disturbing-looking piercings. Scott is sitting at one of the computers, near the north window. He stares at the screen and punches one button repeatedly.)

Scott: Delete. Delete...and delete! Yeesh, 83 posts in a row on
whether or not spam is a bad thing. Ah well, time to put in a chapter of
"Worse"...
(He types. The other customers continue the usual coffeeshop activities; discussing philosophy, playing chess, necking...a few are even drinking coffee! No one seems to notice a bright flash of light outside the window. Shortly thereafter, a young couple comes in the door. They are immediately recognizable as Ranma and Akane.)

Akane: --told you it would work!

Ranma: Well, if this does turn out to be the right place, I'll have to admit it. There's *one* thing you do better than me.
(They approach the counter.)

Akane: Excuse me, Miss. We're looking for a "Skuh-jahm"?

Ashley: Is that supposed to be a person or a thing?

Ranma: He's a fanfic writer.

Ashley: Oh, you must mean Scott J. He's over there on Number Four.
(points.)

Akane: Thanks.

Ranma (tapping Scott on the shoulder): Yo.
(Scott jerks forward, slamming his head into the monitor.)

Scott: Yaah! *klunk* Oww! What th--...whoa, nice costumes.

Ranma: Costumes?

Akane: He thinks we're actors playing us.

Scott (rubbing forehead): Are you from one of those singing telegram places?

Ranma: No! You're SKJAM!, right?

Scott: Yes. One of the people on FFML or GRIT finally tracked me down, huh?

Akane: SKJAM!, I'm Akane Tendou, and this is Ranma Saotome. The real ones.
(Scott blinks. Hard.)

Scott: The...real...ones?

Akane: I can see you're going to need some convincing. Hold on.
(She goes back to the counter.)

Akane: I'd like some each of cold and hot water, please Miss?

Ashley: Yeah, yeah, be right with ya.
(Ashley takes her own sweet time filling the order. (As usual.)
Meanwhile...)

Scott: So if you're really Ranma, how'd you get here? Last I heard, you were a comic book character.

Ranma: Tendo-Style Anything-Goes Martial Arts Dimension Travel.
Damnedest thing. I mean, who would've thought a clumsy girl like Akane--

Akane (from counter): I heard that!

Ranma: Anyhow, it's a pretty amazing technique.

Scott: I'd say. Using martial arts to justify dimensional travel is amazingly silly.

Ranma: No sillier than some of the methods you fanfic writers use to get to my world. Which brings us to why we're here. Y'see--

Akane: Got the water! Cold first--
(She splashes Ranma, who turns female.)
...then hot!
(A quick pour restores his maleness.)

Ranma: Convinced now?

Scott: Wow. You're real. I can't, well, can scarcely believe it's true. but why are you here? Why come to me of all people?

Akane: Well, SKJAM!--

Scott: Please, call me Scott.

Akane: Scott, we've had so many fanfic authors insert themselves into our lives and/or try to resolve our relationships, that we thought we'd return the favor.

Scott: Um, that sounds fair enough, but why me? I mean, you could help Plunger, he always gets you two together at the end of his fics. Or Kun-chan. I mean, she follows you two right into the bedroom, for crying out loud!

Ranma: We'll get to them eventually (evil grin). And Ryouga called dibs on that Chris Willmore fella. But you're first for one very important reason.

Scott: Really? What?

Akane: You're the one writing this story.
(Scott facefaults.)

Scott: Ow! Facefaulting hurts! Say, where you folks staying?

Ranma: We thought we'd crash at your place. After all, you guys always hang at the dojo when you visit us.

Scott: But I have a really tiny apartment. Heck, I don't even have a proper bed!

Ranma: Then it'll be kinda cosy, won't it?

Akane: Pervert! (Bashes him with a chair.)

(People start staring.)

Akane: Oops! Sorry, folks, just having a vigorous conversation.
Nothing to see here.
(The customers return to what they were doing.)

Ranma: Ooch. So, Scott, let's get started. How many fiancees you got?

Scott: None.

Akane: Your parents didn't engage you to anyone before you were born?

Scott: Not that I've heard, and as anxious as they are for grandkids you'd think they would've told me by now.

Ranma: Lucky bas--er, I mean, that should make things simpler. Okay, how many girlfriends?

Scott: Um....none.

Akane: Old flames?

Scott: None.

Ranma: Any one-sided crushes?

Scott: Does Kasumi count?

Ranma & Akane: NO!

Akane: How about women you can't stand chasing you?

Scott: Not that I've noticed.

Ranma: C'mon, surely you've at least dated someone!
(Scott hangs his head and presses his forefingers together.)

Scott (mumbling): Vnr hdrldt.

Akane: Huh? Speak up.

Scott (blushing): I've never had a real date.

Ranma: Why the heck not? Don't you *like* girls?

Scott: Hey, I like women a lot. But I've never had much luck with them, because I'm...ugly.

Akane: That's silly! A movie star you're not, but you're not ugly.

Scott: That's not what girls told me all through high school and
college. They told me I was hideous and laughed at my face. They told me they'd rather die than be seen with me.

Ranma: Whoa. Harsh. Sure, me and Akane gave Kunou pretty rough
treatment, but there were at least a couple of girls who liked him.

Scott: Finally, I gave up. I just couldn't take the rejection anymore. I'm not even sure how to talk to a woman outside business.

Akane: We've really got our work cut out for us here. This could take weeks!

Ranma: I have a plan. HEY, ANY SINGLE BABES IN THIS PLACE?
(Ranma is instantly surrounded by women.)

Woman One: I'm single!

Woman Two: I'm also single!

Woman Three (hiding ring): I'm totally available, handsome!

Husband: Hey!

Woman Four: Baby light my fire!

Ashley: Me too! Me too!

Akane (glowing): Raanmaa, how dare you flirt with those women when we're here to help Scott?

Ranma: Hey, I wasn't asking for me, I was asking for him! (points.)

Woman One: Him? Eeww!

Woman Two: D'oh! I just remembered, I'm a lesbian!

Woman Three: Oh, Harry, you came for me!

Husband: Sheesh.

Woman Four: My fire just went out.

Ashley: No offense, Scott, but I'd rather stick my head in a blender and hit "puree."

(The women vanish as quickly as they appeared.)

Scott: I hate my life.

Akane: You aren't that ugly! There must be a woman out there who wants you, and by Takahashi we'll find her!

Ranma: Yeah! No matter how long it takes! Even if we have to bring all our friends in on it too!

Scott: Why does this not encourage me?

SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(standard disclamer)
Chapter Two: Revengefics, Anyone?

(scene: A small, cluttered apartment living room. The walls are a dingy yellow color, and it's clear the building's better days were in the 1950s. There are posters for Project A-ko and Dancougar on the walls, and videotapes and comic books scattered everywhere. It's early morning, and we see SCOTT sleeping in a folding chair, half-covered by a blanket. What light there is seeps through blue curtains decorated with an astronaut theme.)

Clock-Radio (Suddenly turning on):--rash of incidents at college campuses across the country. But first the news!

(Scott blearily turns down the radio, dons his glasses, and
stretches. He's wearing the same clothes we saw him in previously.)

Scott: Man, that was some weird dream. Akane and Ranma coming to the real world to help me? Don't I wish!
(He gets up and heads for the hall door. It suddenly swings open and female RANMA comes in. She's wearing boxer shorts, a towel over her shoulder, and nothing else.)

Ranma-chan: There's no hot water in the shower.

Scott: What, again? (double-takes) R-ranma? Then it's real...

Ranma-chan: Mm-hmm. (nods.)

(Scott stares at Ranma, eyes wide, then suddenly shakes himself, steps over to the wall and starts pounding his head against it.)

Scott: Must...*thud* drive out *thud* evil thoughts! *thud*

Ranma-chan: Whoa, whoa! You didn't react this way last night.

Scott (facing away): Remember Ranma, I haven't seen a half-naked woman in the flesh since I was weaned. And just so I can't enjoy it, you're actually a guy!

Ranma-chan: Oh, right. Musk Dynasty syndrome.

(She picks up her shirt and puts it on.)

Ranma-chan: Better?

Scott: Much. What were you thinking? What if those excessively macho Mexican guys in the next apartment had seen you?

Ranma-chan: I think you know the answer to that one.

(AKANE enters from the kitchen.)

Akane: Um, Scott, someone's stolen all your food. All you have left is two Cup Ramens, a can of veggie soup, some French bread and a half-carton of milk.

Scott: No, that's about right. Did you say *two* Cup Ramens? I was planning to stock up later today. (Digs in pocket.) Look, here's a $20...my last $20, actually. Buy some groceries while I'm out, but be careful, they'll have to last us until Wednesday.

Ranma-chan (counts on fingers): Five days?! Are you insane?

Scott: No, just poverty-stricken. I just had to pay the rent, plus I normally don't buy eight French sodas, six rolls and a plate of quesadillas in one sitting at CyberX.

Ranma-chan: I have to keep up my strength! I'm a martial artist, you know.

Scott: Yes, Ranma, we know, as the School for the Blind can attest.

Ranma-chan: Hey! When we passed it on the way to your place, I thought that would be a perfect way around your "ugly" problem. How was I supposed to know there was a Blind Fighting master guarding the entrance?

Akane: Ranma, that was just an old blind guy with a cane. He kept trying to get out of the way, but you kept zigging when he tried to zag.

Ranma-chan: A fiendishly clever ruse, I tell you. It just *looked* like an accident.

Scott: Whatever. Here's the keys. Lock up if you go out, and for God's sake try not to get into trouble. Despite what you see on TV, we do have laws in the States, and the police *will* arrest you for assault. I should be back from work around 4.

(He picks up his tote bag and opens the hall door.)

Scott: See ya!

Akane: Take care!

Ranma-chan: 'Bye.

(Scott leaves. Ranma and Akane stare at each other for a moment, then drop their eyes. Ranma spots a TV listing and leafs through it while Akane attempts to shift some of the debris.)

Ranma-chan: Hey, Dragonball Z is on!

(Turns on television.)

TV: Kame-hame-HA! *BOOM*

Akane: I don't know what you see in that show. The old series was much funnier.

Ranma-chan: Yeah, but check out those cool superpowered ki blasts. I gotta learn how to do one of those!

(They watch for a bit.)

Akane: So, Ranma...

Ranma-chan: This is the good part! Yeah?

Akane: How are we going to help Scott? It didn't go so well last night...

Ranma-chan: Well, we could dump Nyannichuan water on him, that would spice up his love life.

Akane: Ranma you pervert! That's what you suggested for 95% of the male authors on our list, and a few of the women.

Ranma-chan: Hey, if they're all so fascinated by my female body, I just figure they should get their own.

Akane: Besides, we're trying to help Scott, not make him more depressed.

Ranma-chan: He likes Kasumi. How about we fix him up with her?

Akane: We already did that for the "Appearances" guy. Say, which
version did Mr. Lawson end up with?

Ranma-chan: Who can tell? Um, how about plastic surgery for Scott?

Akane: Way expensive. And as you can see (indicates apartment) he's not exactly rolling in dough.

Ranma-chan: Yeah, you do need cash to get ahead...Hey, maybe we should start with something small, but we'll need a couple of helpers...

Akane: Go on...

* * * *

(Scene: Same apartment, but you'd hardly know it. The walls gleam as if freshly painted, the videos and books have been fitted neatly into tasteful bookcases, the floor is spotless (and can now be seen as wooden.) There's also a desk with the latest model computer sitting on it. Ranma (now back in male form) and Akane sip iced tea while watching
episodes of Solar Hero Faibird.)

Ranma: Take that, evil mad scientist!

TV: *KA-BOOM*

Akane: Ranma, can we watch Sailor Moon next?

Ranma: Aw, that show's for sissies.

Akane: I thought you always said I was unfeminine.

Ranma: Okay, so maybe you have girly tastes in anime. But it better be one of the episodes with a lot of fighting.

(The hall door opens, and Scott walks in. He surveys the room, looking very surprised.)

Scott: m-My room...what happened?

Ranma: Oh, hi, Scott. Like it?

Scott: Well, yes! But, I don't mean to be rude, but neither of you is exactly the sort who's good at these things, and, hey, is that a computer?

Akane: Yes, silly. We decided this job was a little tough for us, so we called in some help.

Scott (looking around nervously): Um, what kind of help?

Akane: My big sisters, of course.

(Scott looks at her like she has two heads.)

Akane: Kasumi and Nabiki!

Scott: K-Kasumi is here? (glasses fog over)

Ranma: Tofu syndrome! Nah, she already left. But while she was here, she used those Marvel powers you gave her over on GRIT to do the grocery shopping, clean the place, and prepare the next week's meals, all in 15 minutes.

Akane: Nabiki found the bookcases and computer for you, it's Internet connected, and she's working on finding you a better-paying job with some security.

Scott: So she's staying here?

Ranma: Nah, she's at some ritzy hotel. Your place is kinda dinky, you know.

Scott: *whew*

Akane: I'll heat dinner. Why don't you try out the computer?

Scott: Thanks! Wait a minute, that's a gas stove!

Ranma: Relax. Her cooking is a lot better these days. Especially when all she's doing is heating it.

Akane (does the "feel muscle" gesture): You can rely on me!

Scott: Right. Let's check out my e-mail.

(Scott signs on to the computer, and soon is reading the FFML. He grows increasingly concerned.)

Scott: Gee, an awful lot of these "revengefics." And some of them are pretty brutal.

Ranma: You think so? Say, can I look at your notebook?

Scott: Sure, go ahead. Geez, sure are a lot of guys being splashed with Spring of Drowned Girl.

Ranma: Do tell.

Scott: Say, if you guys are here, how are you doing all this other stuff at the same time?

Ranma: Martial Arts Multitasking. That, plus a bunch of alternate timeline versions, synthoids and Hammerspace.

Scott: Hey, you snatched that poor woman's kid! That's not nice!

Ranma: Neither was the kid. (winces.) I think that's when we started just handing out the curses. Too much trouble...

Scott: But you've been nice to me so far...

Ranma: Hmm, interesting story, this "Worse". I see you've stuck me in female form...

Scott: People kept asking for a sequel to "Sequence." You don't mind do you?

Ranma: Nah, it's like being an actor. You get some bad movies, some good ones, a lot of dull ones. It's over eventually, and we go on to the next story. Only what the Creator does to us is permanent.

Scott: Creator?

Ranma: Takahashi-kami, of course.

Scott: Of course.

Ranma: There are only a few things I can't stand. Really lousy
spelling, being totally out of character with no explanation, and oh yeah, one more thing...

(Scott fails to notice a reddish aura appearing in the corner.)

* * * *

(What looks very similar to the apartment we just saw, but with a few changes. The posters are now for X/1999 and Marmalade Boy. The curtains are now yellow with a bunny design, and there is a general prevalence of the color pink in the room. A young woman is sleeping in the folding chair. She looks a lot like Kasumi.)

Clock-Radio (turning on): --Bizarre incidents continue to multiply. In other news...

(The woman turns down the radio, puts on glasses, yawns and
stretches. She's wearing one of those nightgowns that while very modest leaves no doubt that she's well built. She blearily looks around.)

Woman: Oh, my...
(She sounds a lot like Kasumi too.)
Woman: ...GOD!

(She looks around the apartment, then down at her own body,
poking in a couple of places...)

Woman: RRAAAAANNNMMAAAA!!!

(Ranma and Akane casually stroll in, grinning.)

Ranma: Morning, Scotty.

Woman (Scotty): I hate that nickname!

Ranma: Actually, it's your legal name now.

(Scotty grabs Ranma by the front of his shirt. He doesn't look too worried.)

Scotty: Why, Ranma? Why did you do this to me?

Ranma: Well, quite frankly, your "ugliness" was proving to be too much of a problem. That, and I found "SEX". Me and Hiroshi, of all people?!

Scotty: You didn't read past the first paragraph, did you?

Ranma: No, why?

Scotty: It wasn't what you thought! So for that you dumped Nyannichuan on me while I slept?

Akane: Noo, actually, this is much more interesting. We got the idea from your "Worse" story, actually. We went back in time and changed things so you were born female.

Ranma: The first time was a bust, you made one butt-ugly woman, so we redid it, splicing some Kasumi DNA in for the looks.

Akane: We figured since you liked her so much, you wouldn't mind.

Scotty: I...look like...Kasumi?

Akane: Yep. (Holds up mirror.)

Scotty: Kasumi...(glasses fog over.)

Ranma: Steady there. So, in the new timeline, you followed in your mother's footsteps and became a nurse.

Akane: Don't worry, we've implanted all the necessary skills.

Ranma: Now you have plenty of potential romances. Handsome young
doctors, rich old patients, oh, and the fanboys.

Scotty: Fanboys?

Ranma: Yeah, you're still an anime fan here, specializing in Kasumi impressions. The seminude photo of you on your web site gets downloaded on average every three minutes.

Scotty: Seminude? I posed for a *cheesecake photo*?

Akane: You're quite the naughty girl, it seems.

Ranma: And this way is so much more convenient than Nyannichuan! No hassles about water temperature, all your clothes fit, and best of all, your parents won't need an explanation, since as far as they and everyone outside this apartment is concerned, you've always been a girl!

Scotty: Ohhkayy, I can see how you might have been able to adapt the Tendou Style Anything Goes Martial Arts Dimension Travel Technique to time travel, since time is a dimension, but the alterations you're talking about are way beyond anything you're capable of!

Ranma: True, so we called in some experts. C'mon in, Guest Number One!

(A tall, dark-skinned woman enters. She is wearing a sailor fuku and carrying an oversized key.)

Scotty: Sailor Pluto?

Setsuna: One and the same. Your insert characters took me out in one shot, and I'm unconscious for the rest of the story!

Scotty: But I'd never seen any of your episodes and didn't want to risk blowing your characterization, honest.

Setsuna: So you reduced me to a plot device. Hah! At least you
introduced me to Brainiac Five. He is a most intriguing man, and when he found out that you were planning to romantically link him with Lori Morning in your next fic--

Scotty: That was a joke! A JOKE!

Setsuna: Querl has no sense of humor. Anyway, he was glad to help us with the DNA manipulation once I found the proper time segment.

Akane: So, Scotty, I'll be helping you learn how to be feminine--

Ranma: BWAHAHA!

(Akane punts him.)

Setsuna: And to help ease you into being a woman, we've brought along someone from one of your long (and deservedly)-forgotten fanfics....

Scotty: You wouldn't!

Setsuna: Someone who really knows how to treat a lady, despite your cruelly making him date an ugly broad...

Scotty: No, please, not that!

Setsuna: Come in, Guest Number Two--

(A handsome Japanese man in casual clothing enters. His face immediately twists into a perverted leer.)

Setsuna: City Hunter!

Saeba: Hellooo, Nurse!

Scotty: AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

* * * *
(Back to Scott's apartment (clean version.) Scott is writhing in the chair while Ranma and a brutishly handsome young man in a blue and silver set of armor look on.)

Scott: Nooo!! Nooo!! Make him stop!

(Scott falls out of the chair. He winces, then opens his eyes. He pats himself down.)

Scott: I'm me again! It didn't happen! It was only a --

Ranma: Psych! Like I was saying, the last thing I really can't stand is dream sequences.

Scott: But--But how--

Ikki: That would be me. Your Phoenix Genma Ken is on the house.

Scott: Phoenix Ikki!

Ikki: Yup. You little twerp! You had me defeated by a mere girl!

Scott: It was a draw! And Daxamites don't qualify as "mere" anything!

Ikki: Nevertheless.

Ranma: Thanks, Ikki. By the way, about this "Genma Ken" of yours...

Ikki: Different kanji. No relation. And you, asshole, the next time you write about me, I win! Got it?

Scott: Yessir. *geeble*

(Ikki vanishes in an aura of flame.)

Ranma: Sorry, couldn't resist just a little "revenge." No hard
feelings?

Scott: I guess not. You're really not sore about "Worse?"

Ranma: Of course not! You are going to get me out of there before I actually have to marry Kunou, right?

Scott: ...

Ranma: Well?...

SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(standard disclaimer)
Chapter Three: Continuity

(Scene: Scott's apartment living room. It has deteriorated a bit since the last time we saw it. Most notably, there's a Ranma-shaped impact crater in one of the walls. Scott, Ranma (male form) and Akane are gathered around a card table. Scott has a cardstock screen in front of him, and it is evident to the well-informed they're engaged in some sort of role-playing game.)

Scott (voice-over): It's been about a week since the "invasion" began. Anime characters entering the real world to do unto fanfic authors as had been done unto them. I had thus far gotten off relatively lightly, with some public humiliation and an induced nightmare. And of course, the continued presence of Ranma and Akane as my house guests.
Others had not been so fortunate. Jyuusenkyo curses,
Boomerization, being forced to relive the most painful parts of their own stories and other indignities had occurred. Some of the characters had been truly vindictive. There'd even been reports of monsters running amok only to be stopped by newly empowered (if emasculated) otaku. All in all, the world was now a much more interesting place.
Some of the authors have chosen to try to "strike back." I
declined to join them, since my own visitors appeared to be benign, and I really didn't want to risk involuntary species change or worse. Besides, it was fun having them around...

(Akane throws a handful of dice.)

Akane: 14 BODY and 83 STUN!

Scott (scribbling furiously): Draalzor goes flying into the wall!
*rattle rattle* He takes a bit more damage, and is down for the count! Mighty Girl wins again!

Akane: Yay!

Ranma: Big whoop. This game is way too math-intensive.

Akane: Well, if you'd study harder, you could build an effective
character on 250 points too.

Scott: Hey, that's right, aren't you kids missing school?

Ranma: I don't miss it one bit.

Akane: We spent ten years as freshmen, and when we get back, we'll just have more stories set there. Stories with us in college or grown up come as something of a relief, let me tell you.

(The hall door opens, and Nabiki steps in, wearing a business suit.)

Nabiki: Knock, knock.

R,A & S: Hi, Nabiki!

Nabiki: Good news and good news! I got your credit record fixed, Scott (though it would've been a lot easier if you'd ever used Nene Romanova in a story), and you're now on retainer as the anime/manga critic for the New York Times. Seems the recent...events have sparked new interest in the phenomenon.

Scott: Thanks, Nabiki!

Nabiki: De nada. Here's your bill.

(Scott bigsweats, something he never used to be able to do...)

Scott: Well, let's take a look. (Braces himself.) "Major sympathetic role in an upcoming story; better boyfriend than Kunou (no avatars!); new CD player; win the lottery."

Nabiki: It doesn't have to be all in *one* story, of course.

Scott: I'll see what I can arrange. Hmm, "Nabiki becomes filthy rich..."

Nabiki: My work here is done. Akane, take me home.

Akane: Okay, big sis.

(they go into the kitchen, and there is a bright flash of light from that direction.)

Ranma: Now if we could only make some headway on your love life.

Scott: It's not your fault women don't seem to be attracted to me.

Ranma: But this is getting ridiculous! Singles club, no luck. Grocery store, no luck. Heck, you didn't even get any offers from the whores on Second Avenue!

Scott: I do declare, there are times when I am so lonely, I could take some comfort there. Still, maybe the personals ad will turn something up. It's how my brother met his wife.

(Phone rings. Scott picks it up.)

Scott: Yello? Oh, hi Mom! You got my message then. Tomorrow night? That'd be nice. Say, can I bring a couple of friends? I'm putting them up while they're in town. Yes I know my apartment's way too small for that. Umm...I met them through my anime hobby. Sweet kids. So, where we going? Oh. I see. No, no, I'm sure everything will be fine. I'll be ready around five, and I've got a lot to tell you folks! Seeya! Bye!

(Hangs up.)

Scott: Good news, mostly. We're invited to a family dinner tomorrow.

Ranma: Great! Having to conserve food has been the pits.

Scott: There's a catch though. It's being held at Uncle Helmar's. My uncle's a nice guy really, but he's a touch...opinionated.

Ranma: On what?

Scott: Well, he believes that all magic is Satanic in origin. Also all comic books and cartoons and rock music. Oh, and that the father is the head of the household and should be obeyed at all times.

Ranma: Oh-kay. So you're saying, don't mention the curse, where exactly we're from, my taste in bands, or my old man.

Scott: That should do it. Say, I've been wondering, how come Akane does all the dimension hopping for you two?

Ranma: Well, I could do it if I *wanted* to, but the maneuver has some, um, special requirements. (blushes)

Scott (clearly puzzled): Special requirements?

Ranma: You can't do it if you have, um, male anatomy.

Scott: Oh. (winces)

(Bright flash of light from the kitchen. Akane comes in carrying a box.)

Akane: I'm back! Cologne sent along a box of spices and spare artifacts.

Scott: No love potions!

Akane: No?

Scott: Chemically-assisted rape is still rape, and besides, those things never work right.

Ranma: Good point. Okay, no potions.

Scott: By the way, we're invited to a family dinner tomorrow.

Akane: Your family? Then I'll have to make something extra-special to bring along!

(Scott face-faults.)

Scott: Y'know, I think I'm getting the hang of that. Hardly hurt at all.

* * * *
(Scene: The apartment living room, dark. Only the glow from the VCR clock illumines the area. The hall door opens, Scott enters and turns on the light.)

Ranma (off): Uncute violent tomboy!

Akane (off): Insensitive weirdo jerk!

Male voice (off, in Mexican-accented Spanish): Shut up or I'll cut your balls off, I swear!

(Good thing this version of our heroes don't understand Spanish...)

Scott: Um, guys, could you keep it down? At least get out of the hallway.

(Akane and Ranma enter, and turn their backs on each other.)

Scott: Okay, so we all made a few mistakes, and I'm probably banned from Uncle Helmar's house for life. But there's no need to overreact.

Akane: Over-REACT!? Ranma insulted my cooking!

Ranma: How was I supposed to know?

Akane: You knew perfectly well I cooked brownies!

Scott: Besides, that's how lutefisk is *supposed* to smell, look and taste. Aunt Judith was very hurt. Not to mention what you did to her furniture. Uff da!

Ranma: You didn't tell me they had a cat!

Scott: It's been a year. Slipped my mind.

Akane: At least it interrupted your uncle's twenty-minute sermon on the evils of "living in sin." As if!

Scott: It was an understandable error. After all, two good-looking young people of (usually) opposite genders living in my tiny bedroom does look kind of spicy if you don't know the circumstances. Besides, we all know that if it weren't for the forced engagement you two would be going at it like lust weasels.

Ranma & Akane: Would not!

Scott: In fact, if I thought I stood a snowball's chance in hell, I'd be going after Akane myself.

Ranma: You can have--

Scott: Watch it, Ranma. First off, you don't really mean that, because if it looked like I was serious, you'd start getting jealous again. Second, you're forgetting that Akane has a mind and feelings of her own!

Akane: Yeah!

Ranma: Okay, okay, I overreacted...

Akane: And so did I. Sorry, Scott.

Scott: You're forgiven. Time to check my e-mail.

(Scott turns on the computer.)

Ranma: Still, it wasn't very nice of your uncle to try and exorcise me.

Scott: After that cat-fit you threw, and turning into a woman right in front of his eyes, I'd say Uncle Helmar had good reason to suspect demonic possession. Remember, he's never seen your show. And view new messages...

Akane: Your parents were relatively nice, if awfully quiet.

Scott: Well, they've never really approved of my hobbies, and the living embodiment of anime weirdness was a bit much for them. But they know enough to let me do my thing.

Ranma: Your dad seemed to get a big kick out of the exorcism though.

Scott: We don't get to see Uncle Helmar that worked up too often. I don't think he's foamed at the mouth that much since he caught his kids playing D&D in the basement.
Speaking of overdoing it, I see some of these fanfic authors seem to have developed superpowers one way or another.

Ranma (grinning): That's right, they've become avatars.

Scott: But they're planning to invade the anime worlds. Doesn't that worry you?

Akane: Actually, that was expected.

Scott: Huh?

Akane: You see, by gaining powers and traveling to our worlds, your "real" world and ours become closer for them. They essentially become characters in someone's story, which is how they thought of us. You might call it the ultimate revenge.

Scott: So for them, fantasy and reality become so intertwined that they can no longer tell the difference? Mom always warned me that would happen.

Ranma: Metaphysics make my head hurt.

Akane: I'll get some asprin. (goes into kitchen.)

Scott: Poor Kun-kun.

Ranma: Ha! You should've heard what *Ukyou* had in mind for her!

Scott: Yes?

Ranma: Well, I don't remember all the details, but it involved Passion Spice, Spring of Drowned Pig and three showings a week on the Nature Channel.

Scott: Ewww!

Ranma: Ryouga talked her out of it. He's too shy to do cable TV, and besides, it's not Miss Seawright's fault the Creator made Ukyou look bad in the last story.

Scott: So, is she going to take it up with Takahashi-sensei, then?

Akane (returning): Not likely. Anything the Creator does is canon, and Ukyou doesn't want to end up in permanent toad form or anything. Here's the asprin.

Ranma: Thanks.

Akane: Now let's start planning for tomorrow night.

Ranma: Why? What are we doing tomorrow night?

Akane: The same thing we do every night, Ranma, try to take o--no, wrong script--try to find Scott a date!

SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(Standard disclaimer)
Chapter Four: "Let's Get Serious!"

(Scene: Scott's apartment living room. Several pieces of
furniture have been broken and crudely mended; the TV table in particular has a bad list. Scott, Ranma and Akane are opening letters.)

Akane: ..."Dear Scott, after seeing your picture I became very happy. At last I know there is a more pathetic loser in the world than myself..."

Scott: ..."Dear Scott, thanks for sending the picture. My cellmate has lost all interest in sex since I taped it on my bunk..."

Ranma: ..."Ha! Hahahahoohahaha!" And like that for six pages. Must be related to the Kunous.

Scott: So much for personal ads. My online advertisement got about the same response. Once they see a picture, it's byebye!

Akane: And that video dating service actually paid you not to become a customer! The nerve of some people!

(Ranma sweeps the letters from the table.)

Ranma: That does it! Akane, we gotta talk.

(They go into the kitchen. We hear sounds of arguing. Scott picks up the letters.)

Akane (off): Are you sure?

Ranma (off): Yes, the time has come!

(They come back in. Ranma is carrying a plastic liter bottle filled with clear liquid.)

Akane: We're sorry, Scott--

Ranma: But ordinary measures have failed, so we're going to have to resort to something extraordinary to finish this now.

Scott (trying to keep a stiff upper lip): So this is it, then. You're going to turn me into a girl.

Ranma: Huh? Oh, no, this is just ordinary water. I got thirsty.

Scott: *whew* Then what exactly did you have in mind?

Akane: We're marrying you to Kasumi.

Scott: Kasumi? (Glasses fog over, then clear.) But I thought--

Ranma: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Scott: Um... You're not sticking me with the psycho Kasumi from
Appearances, are you?

Akane: Nope! No serial killers for you.

Scott: And not the really dim Kasumi from The Other Attractiveness Factor, or the depressing one from Hold On?

Ranma: We're making, uh, arrangements. The Kasumi you marry will be a near-genius anime fan. And I *guarantee* you'll be happy.

Scott: Wow! So how does this work?

Ranma: Well, first I do this...

(Whacks Scott upside the head with the water bottle)
(Fade to black)
* * *

(Fade back in on the apartment. Everything's been repaired
properly and the place is gleaming with cleanliness. Kasumi is typing at the computer. Actually it takes a moment to realize it *is* Kasumi, as she's atypically wearing a muscle shirt and dungarees. She seems quite involved in whatever it is she's writing.)
(Scott enters from the kitchen. He's smiling sunnily, and
wearing a barbeque apron emblazoned "Kiss the Cook." He hums "My
Favorite Things" as he walks over to the bookcase, picks out a video, and begins polishing it, then goes on to the next one. This goes on for a while until a soft chime comes from the kitchen.)

Scott: Oh my! The cookies are ready!

(He bustles off to the kitchen. Kasumi continues typing. A few minutes later, Scott returns with a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. He sets them down by the computer.)

Scott: Here you are, honey.

Kasumi: Thanks, Scott. Gee, you're spoiling me rotten.

Scott: Don't be silly! It's the least I can do for my sugarmuffin.

(Kasumi resumes typing one-handed while eating. Scott begins massaging her shoulders.)

Scott: So whatcha doin', Kasumi?

Kasumi: I'm writing a think-piece--mm, these cookies are delicious--on the metaphysical ramifications of Hammerspace.

Scott: Wow, Kasumi, you're so smart! Ram-ifi-cations...that has
something to do with sheep, doesn't it?

(Kasumi shakes her head.)

Scott: Oh bother! I should know that word. I used to know that word, I think. I used to know a lot of things. I did used to be smart, didn't I, Kasumi?

Kasumi: Yes, dear. You used to be quite intelligent until that accident with the defective mind-switching device that transposed large portions of our intellects. It happened just before the wedding, remember?

Scott: Yes, I remember, sort of. It just leaked out of my tiny brain. I'm such a ditz now!

(His smile fades.)
(Kasumi stands up and embraces him.)

Kasumi: Well, maybe that's true, but you're an adorable little
fluffhead, and I love you just the way you are.

Scott (smiling again): Thanks, Kasumi. You always know just what to say!

(Kasumi unties his apron strings.)

Kasumi: You know, I don't have to finish what I was writing right away. We could have a little fun first...(kisses him)...Scott-chan.

Scott: Oh boy, sex! Kasumi-sama, you're the best!

(They go in for the clinch, and we fade out before this turns into a lemon.)

* * *

(Scene: Scott's apartment, dark. Scott writhes in his chair, asleep, while Phoenix Ikki sits nearby, grinning nastily.)

Scott: But I don't wanna be a mindless wife-bot!

(Scott snaps awake.)

Scott: Gahh! Oh, a dream? Ranma, izzat you? (He puts on his
glasses.) Yeek! Phoenix Ikki? What are you doing here again?

Ikki: I heard you were thinking of redoing "Edge of Tomorrow."
Remember, this time I win. Also, Akane and Ranma had to go back to Nerima for a bit, and they asked me to keep an eye on you.

Scott: If this is your idea of "keep an eye on", I'd hate to see "scare the bejeezus out of." I take it I have you to thank for that nightmare? But I've never written a story where Kasumi was *that* stupid and servile!

Ikki: No, but you've had fantasies about her, haven't you? Degrading sexist fantasies... I only had to exaggerate them a little, and switch it around of course.

Scott: You really are a sick puppy, aren't you?

Ikki: I had a rough childhood.

Scott: Um, yeah, still...I'd really prefer it if you left now.

Ikki: Fine. (Walks to hall door.)

Scott: What, no teleportation?

Ikki: Why bother? I live next door now.

Scott: But the Mexican guys...

Ikki: Them? Oh, they...moved. Yes, that's it, moved far away.
(Grins.) Since no one else on the list seems to need revenging for Seiya fics, I'm hanging around.

Scott: Oh.

(Ikki leaves.)

Scott: Brr. Wonder what the kids are up to?

* * *

(Scene: The Tendou Dojo training hall. (At last, a different set!) The regular Ranma cast is having a meeting. It seems to have devolved into a shouting match. Soun bangs a gavel on the table.)

Soun: Excuse me...I say...Quiet, please...

(Akane picks up a big mallet and smashes the table with it.)

Akane: SHUT UP!

(Everyone quiets down.)

Soun: As I was saying, perhaps we're going about this from the wrong end. Perhaps we should try to figure out what kind of woman Scott should be going after. Let's make a list of the necessary qualities. Ranma, you start.

Ranma: She should be feminine and cute and a good cook!

Akane (shooting Ranma a venomous glance): She should tell him when he's wrong.

Ryouga: She should always be there for him.

Nabiki: She should be able to balance a checkbook. Hey, I've met the guy. Money smart he's not.

Kunou: She should be faithful to him!

Kasumi: She should be mild-tempered.

Mousse: She should appreciate his love.

Shampoo: Good fighter! Strong!

Gosunkugi: She should notice him.

Nodoka: She should hold him to his promises.

Genma (nervous glance): She should be forgiving of his mistakes.

Ukyou: She should be a friend to him.

Happosai: She should let him feel her up!

(Everyone glares at him.)

Happosai: Well, she should!

Kodachi: She should have a good sense of humor! Hoohohoohoohoo!

Cologne: She should always be a step ahead of him.

Soun: Back to me, eh? She should *snf* be a rock of emotional stability for him...*WAAH!* (copious tears)

Ranma: Who are we kidding? there isn't a woman on the real Earth who can match all that.

Genma: Well, the list can be whittled down. Has Scott indicated his preferences?

Akane: Other than the obvious (glances at Kasumi, who pretends not to notice) his absolute minimum requirements are: legal adult, born female, breathing, available, and interested in him. It's that last requirement we've been having trouble with.

Cologne: Haven't those herbs and artifacts I sent helped?

Ranma: Scott has moral objections to love potions and such. Besides, you didn't send instructions with that stuff.

Cologne: Then you should take Shampoo back with you, son-in-law.

Akane: He is not your son-in-law! And what good would she do?

Shampoo: Scott give Shampoo brain in "Neko-Philia." So she make good plans!

Cologne: I've given her detailed instructions on how to use the magic items.

Ranma: Well, I guess it couldn't hurt.

(ominous thunder)

Ranma: Or maybe not. What the heck, go get ready.

Shampoo: Joy! (rushes off.)

Akane: I have a baad feeling about this.

* * *

(Scene: Scott's apartment, afternoon. Scott's back at the
computer, but his hair is wet, and there are newspapers spread by the door with wet shoes on them. We can hear the sounds of rain outside. There's a flash of light from the kitchen. Ranma, Akane and Shampoo enter. Shampoo is looking about curiously.)

Ranma & Akane: We're back!

Scott (turning around): Hi, kids! Oh, (stands up) you brought...

Shampoo: Shampoo here too! Nihao!

Scott: Um, welcome, Shampoo, I'm Scott K. Jamison.

Ranma: She came to help us help you.

Scott: Oh. How?

Shampoo: Shampoo teach Scott new moves, so he can challenge girl he like. Scott win, get to marry her!

Scott: Um, Shampoo, we don't do it that way in America.

Shampoo: No?

Scott: In fact, if I attacked a woman that way, I'd go to prison for assault and maybe attempted rape.

Shampoo: Aiyah! Stupid American customs!

Scott: Speaking of customs, where did you guys think Shampoo is going to sleep?

Shampoo: Shampoo sleep with husband!

Ranma & Akane: I/he am/is not your husband!

Scott: I'd say that's a no-go. I'll see if Ikki is willing to put you up.

Shampoo: Aww.

Scott: Don't worry. I'll keep an eye on Ranma and Akane for you.

Shampoo (brightening): But first, Shampoo make dinner! So, so delicious ramen!

Scott: That sounds good.

Shampoo (in Chinese): This should be a very interesting meal.

* * *

(A couple of hours later. The card table is set with steaming bowls. Seated counter clockwise from left are Shampoo, Scott, Ranma and Akane. They're all eating.)

Scott: And now their enormous avatar egos are causing plot
contradictions! Makes me really glad I didn't hook up with that lot.

Shampoo: Shampoo glad too. She no want to have to kill you.

Scott: Can you imagine it? A planet named Fred!

(Everyone laughs. there is an electrical display around their heads for a moment, but no one notices.)

Ranma (still stuffing himself): Shampoo cook good!

Akane: Ranma jerk! (hits him.)

Ranma: Ranma just talk nice! Akane uncute!

Scott: Why violent couple talk funny? Ut-oh...

Akane: Akane no talk funny, she...huh?

R,A & S: Shampoo?!!

Shampoo: This was not what I had in mind, I assure you.

Scott: What Shampoo mean happen, yes?

Shampoo: You were supposed to get the hots for Akane, and vice versa, whilst I and Ranma did the same.

R & A: Hey!

Shampoo: It seemed to make sense at the time. Akane gets a lover who will treat her nicely, I get the strong fighter I want. Happy endings all around.

Scott: But when potion wear off...

Shampoo: I figured you'd be so grateful for the sex you'd want to keep Akane. It worked on me in Riders, remember?

Scott: That sillyfic!

Shampoo: I don't understand what went wrong, since I followed the recipe exactly.

Scott: Hmm. Scott see spice Shampoo use?

Shampoo: Fair enough.

(She goes into the kitchen and returns with a small bottle.)

Shampoo: This is the main ingredient, Directed Passion Spice.

(Scott takes the bottle and looks at it.)

Scott: Bottle clean. Dusty when arrived. Label loose. Akane wash bottles, yes?

Akane: Yes...

Scott: Labels come off, Akane put back on?

Akane: Ooer...

Ranma: Akane mess up again!

Akane: Grr...

Scott: No! Akane no mess up, save Ranma from Shampoo!

Shampoo: Hey!

Scott: Scott *tell* kids love potions never work right! *sigh* Done is done. Now what?

Shampoo: Well, until the Babel Spice wears off, I might as well take this opportunity to explain why Amazon customs are philosophically superior to those of Japan or the United States. I may never sound this coherent in English again....

SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(standard disclaimer)
Chapter Five: Desperation

(Scene: Scott's apartment. The walls look like they've been through a small fire fight. The chairs and table have been replaced by some cushions and a low bench. Ranma and Akane are playing cards.)

Akane: Gin! (lays down hand.)

Ranma: I'm bored.

Akane: You say that every time you don't win.

Ranma: Point to you. But I really *am* bored. I still say we should have followed them.

Akane: You're supposed to be laying low for awhile, remember? That little incident at the Wing Chun studio?

Ranma: Oh c'mon! That so-called "master" was a phony, I said so, and I proved it. I didn't even break a sweat during that fight.

Akane: A sweat no. Three arms, several ribs and a foot, yes.
Real-world people just don't have the resiliency we anime characters do.

Ranma: I do miss having decent fights. Your deal.

(They continue playing for a bit. The hall door opens, and
Shampoo enters carrying Scott over her shoulder. His clothes are torn and stained. Her minidress is slightly askew.)

Shampoo: Nihao!

Scott: Y' c'n put me down now, Shampoo.

Akane: What happened?!

Scott: Do the words "small riot" mean anything to you?

Ranma: Uh oh.

Akane: What did you do this time, Shampoo?

Scott: In all fairness (Shampoo sets him down on a cushion) she was provoked. Perhaps we should start at the beginning. You remember the plan?

Ranma: Sure. You and Shampoo go on a pretend date so other women will get jealous and try to take you away from her. I *thought* it sounded pretty dumb.

Shampoo: It always work with Ranma. Shampoo or Akane go date him, other women always try steal.

Scott: That's because Ranma is a stud. And I think we would have made a slightly more convincing couple if one of the ground rules hadn't been "Scott no touch Shampoo." Well, we went to Loring Park and started strolling around. Over the course of the afternoon, Shampoo got approached by five or six guys that tried to hit on her right in front of me. The last guy flashed some bills and offered twice what I was paying if she'd "date" him instead.

Shampoo: Shampoo tell silly man she no get paid.

Scott: His next remark was racist, sexist and impugned Shampoo's moral character.

Shampoo: Shampoo not know what "impugn" mean, but she no that kind of girl!

Ranma: Bonbori time, huh?

Scott: Yup. Good thing he had sense enough to run after one near miss. Where *do* you pull those things from, anyway?

Shampoo: Ancient Chinese secret.

Scott: Riight. The last person we ran into on the path was an
attractive woman who came right up to us--

Akane: Really?

Scott: Turned out she was an optometrist who wanted Shampoo to make an appointment.

Shampoo (Irritated): Does Shampoo look like Mousse?

Scott: To her, yes. Remember, you were with me. After that we took an ice cream break, and passed by the Amazon Bookstore.

Ranma: The one with all that ultra-feminist literature you pointed out to us?

Scott: The very same. Shampoo naturally decided we should stop in.

Shampoo: Shampoo proud there bookstore honoring her tribe! But it trick.

Scott: Whilst I checked out the revisionist history section, Shampoo asked to see anything they had on Joketsuzoku.

Shampoo: Counter lady say no such place! Counter lady say no such thing as Chinese Amazons! She say Shampoo no real!

Akane: Technically, Shampoo, we aren't real...Oh, never mind.

Scott: To prove her claim to legitimacy, Shampoo hauled out Exhibit A, the Amazon rulebook. Naturally, it fell open to the most-used page. And while the counter worker couldn't read Chinese, the Hmong woman next to her could. One guess which law that was.

Ranma & Akane: The "outsiders" law!

Shampoo: They make fun of Amazon laws! Say our customs stupid! Okay, Shampoo used to that, but still get her dander up!

Scott: And then a nice young lady in plaid flannel ventured the
suggestion that Shampoo should dump me in favor of a more, ahem,
"satisfying physical relationship" with herself.

Shampoo: Shampoo *not* that kind of Amazon!

Scott: Harsh words were exchanged. And when words failed Shampoo, well..

Ranma: I get the picture.

Scott: Admittedly, the staff and customers at Amazon Books aren't
anywhere near Shampoo's weight class, but most of them have taken
anti-rape training, and fight really dirty.

Akane: Is the place still standing?

Scott: Couldn't tell you. I foolishly allowed eons of evolutionary instinct and cultural conditioning to dictate my actions and tried to protect the women from each other.

Ranma: Um, Scott, last I checked, you had no fighting skills
whatsoever. It took me a week just to teach you how to fall.

Shampoo: Scott fall real good! Almost as good taking punishment as Mousse!

Scott: Are you sure that's a compliment? I blacked out after the second or third knee to the groin. Didn't come to until we were almost back. Come to think of it, shouldn't I be hurting even worse than this? (Pats himself down.)

Akane: Could be nerve damage.

Ranma: We'll see if Doc Tofu can make a house call. Hang tight.

(The three visitors go into the kitchen, and there's a flash of light. Scott shifts painfully on the cushion.)

Scott: Lord, I know they mean well, but they're really starting to get on my nerves. Give me the strength to endure this opportunity. Thanks, amen.
* * *

(A bit later. Dr. Tofu is bandaging Scott's arm. Several other bandages have already been applied.)

Tofu: Actually, your condition is consistent with having been beaten by a mob of angry women. I get quite a lot of these cases. You should be fully recovered in a day or two.

Scott: A day or two? A normal person who took the kind of punishment I did would be laid up for weeks.

Tofu (adjusting glasses): Really? I wouldn't have thought so. Have you noticed anything else unusual lately?

Scott: Well, let's see. Blinking in surprise makes a noise. I develop huge sweat drops when I'm nervous, face-faulting doesn't hurt anymore, and my glasses fog up when i--never mind about that last one.

Tofu: All of that sounds perfectly normal to me. Wait, you mean
face-faulting used to hurt?

Scott: Yes.

Tofu: I'll have to run some tests to be sure, but it sounds as if you are becoming normal from a previously anomalous state.

Scott (hits forehead): D'oh! Of course, you're an anime doctor! All of this stuff *is* normal to you.

Tofu: This is purely speculation on my part, of course, but it may be possible that prolonged contact with beingsfrom our universe has embued you, via osmosis, with certain of their physical characteristics.

Scott: I'm turning into a toon.

Tofu: I shouldn't worry too much. There are far worse fates.

Scott (remembering certain dream sequences) True...

Tofu: I'll drop by again in a couple of days to see how you're doing. (Raises his voice) You can come back in now.

(Shampoo, Ranma and Akane enter.)

Akane: I'll see you home, Doctor.

(Kitchen. Light. You know the drill.)

Ranma: So how you doing?

Scott: Fine. (Angry) For someone who's turning into a cartoon
character!

Ranma: Oops. So who knew? Besides, think of the benefits. Fast
healing...

Scott: Getting attacked on a regular basis...

Ranma: No, I don't think that's a physical property.

Shampoo: Scott not worry! Shampoo find artifact that work for sure!

(She hauls out a box.)

Shampoo: Hmm. Magic Baby Bottle Nipple, Amazon Wonder Bra--

Ranma: I'm amazed Happosai didn't steal that.

Shampoo: New model. Only made last year. Jewel of Stupidity, no make joke if Ranma know what good for him, Magic Fingerless Gloves, Explosive Whoopie Cushion...

Scott: I'm going out for some air. When I get back, I want those magic items *gone*. I am not going to put up with even one more lame-brained plan to use magic to force love!

(He leaves, slamming the door.)

Shampoo: ...and Amnesia Shampoo.

Ranma: Give it up, Shampoo. Scott just said he didn't want you to do that anymore. And why the heck do you keep putting those spices in your cooking, when you know the labels are wrong?

Shampoo: This fanfic. Shampoo always drug food in fanfics.

(Akane returns.)

Akane: Well?

Ranma: Scott's upset. And with good reason. We've been here a month, eating his food, sleeping in his bedroom, wrecking his furniture, and we're still no closer to getting his romantic relationships resolved. Heck, we haven't even been able to start him on one.

Akane: Let's look through all his fics and fragments again. Maybe we can find something we missed before.

* * *

(A few hours later. The three visitors are conferring.)

Ranma: Okay, everyone clear on the plan?

Akane: I think so.

Shampoo: Ready!

(The hall door opens, and Scott enters. The kids try to look innocent.)

Scott: Hi, everyone. I trust we won't have any more magic nonsense.

Shampoo: No nonsense! (smiles.)

Ranma: Look, Scott, I know we haven't always been the best of guests, but I think we've got a good plan this time...

Scott: I'm listening...

(Scott fails to notice Shampoo sneaking up behind him.)

Ranma: You've been under a lot of stress, and...

(Shampoo pulls out a bottle of hairdressing liquid, a comb and a towel...)

Akane: ...We think you'll like this...

`(Shampoo leaps at Scott.)

Shampoo: XIA--

(Fade to black)

SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(Standard Disclaimer)
Chapter Six: Not a Dream Sequence

(Scene: Scott's apartment, one minute later. Shampoo is tucking her implements away in her pockets; Scott's hair looks much nicer than usual. Ranma and Akane are still in front of him, trying to look innocent.)

Ranma: I thought we could take a weekend off from trying to get you a girlfriend. Go on a quick vacation.

Scott: You know, that sounds like a good idea. I feel more refreshed already.

(Shampoo giggles.)

Scott: Yes?

Shampoo: It nothing.

Akane (holding up a brochure): We made reservations at a bed and
breakfast place out in the suburbs. The prices are decent and it's on a bus line.

Scott: Wow! Wait a minute, you already made reservations? With whose credit card?

Akane: Um, my sister Nabiki set one up for me.

Scott: Oh. What's the name of the place?

Ranma: The Legend Inn. It's a Mom-and-Pop type place.

Scott: Nice name. Okay, why not?

Shampoo: Shampoo can use break from share apartment with Ikki. He number one strange. Want Shampoo wear green wig and pink outfit with chains. Then violent nasty boy just stand there breathing funny.

Akane: At least he's not attacking you, right?

Shampoo: True. There times when outsider law very inconvenient.
Shampoo not want marry just *any* man who defeat her.

* * *

(The lobby of the Legend Inn, a Tudor mansion-style place that's been converted into a bed-and-breakfast. It looks busy, with people checking in and out. A brown-haired woman with large round glasses that give her an owlish appearance is handling registration.)

Desk Clerk: And you're in Room 23. Enjoy your stay, Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

(Mr. and Mrs. Smith have no luggage.)
(Ranma and Scott, on the other hand, are both loaded down with half-a-dozen suitcases each. Shampoo and Akane are each carrying a small valise.)

Scott: I could have sworn they didn't have this many clothes in the apartment! And we're only staying three days!

Ranma: You'd be surprised how many outfits a girl needs to get through the day. Lord knows I was.

Desk Clerk: May I help you?

Akane: Yes, we're the Jamison party. We have reservations. (rimshot)

Desk Clerk: Um-hmm. Here we are, four adjacent singles. (Blinks) None of you are a couple?

Shampoo: Ranma Shampoo's husband! (Grabs his arm.)

Akane: He is not! He's *my* fiancee, even if it wasn't my idea! (Grabs his other arm.)

Ranma (trying to keep his balance with two strong women and six pieces of luggage hanging on him): I'm not marrying anyone! Especially if you two tear me apart!

Scott: I've never met any of these people before in my life.

Desk Clerk (with a very Kasumish smile): Ah, one of those "long story" things. I quite understand. Sign here, please.

(Scott drops a couple of cases and signs the register. Shampoo, Ranma, and Akane continue to struggle and eventually collapse in a heap.)

Shampoo: Aiyah!

Desk Clerk: Papa!

(A friendly-looking man in his early thirties walks over. He has brown hair, a mustache and is for some reason wearing a pith helmet.)

Papa: Yes, Mama?

Mama: These nice young people will be staying in rooms 11-14. Could you help them with their luggage, dearest?

Papa: Of course, honey.

(They kiss over the counter. Papa then takes two cases each from Scott and Ranma and leads them away. He's obviously had a lot of practice carrying luggage.)

* * *

(Short silent sequence where the comedic possibilities of four adjacent bedrooms, two young women in love with the same young man, and a semi-innocent bystander are exploited. See a good Marx Brothers film for an idea of what I'm talking about. Heck, just see a good Marx Brothers film.)

* * *

(Next morning, the Inn's breakfast room. Scott enters, dressed more casually than usual. Despite last night's chaos, he looks well-rested. He meets Akane and female Ranma, who are both in cute tennis outfits.)

Scott: Morning, kids. Finished breakfast already?

Ranma-chan: Yup, good food and plenty of it.

Akane: Eight helpings!

Ranma-chan: At least Pops wasn't here to grab it!

Scott: What's with the outfits?

Akane: We're taking tennis lessons this morning, and that was the only suitable outfit Mr. Brain packed. Honestly, Ranma, how many times do I have to tell you, boxer shorts don't go with miniskirts!

Ranma-chan: I happen to be a guy, okay?

Scott: Where's Shampoo?

Ranma-chan: She went out for a bicycle ride. Good weather for it. Enjoy your breakfast!

Akane: See you!

(They go off. The hostess, a pretty pink-haired woman with
"Peaches" on her name tag, escorts him to a small table. The place is filling up, and Scott pulls out a manga volume while waiting to be served.)
(The hostess comes back.)

Peaches: Excuse me, sir, but all the tables are full. would you mind sharing yours?

Scott: Not at all. (Continues reading.)

(Peaches brings over a young woman and seats her opposite Scott. The new woman is rather average-looking if perhaps a touch heavy.)

Peaches: Your breakfast will be out shortly!

Scott (not looking up): Morning.

Woman (not really looking either): Good morning.

(Peaches serves the breakfast, a heaping helping of pancakes, bacon and toast with apples on the side. The diners begin chowing down. Eventually, Scott tries to turn a page while simultaneously spreading jam on his toast. The manga falls to the floor. Simultaneously, the woman drops her napkin. They reach down and bump heads.)

Scott & Woman: Owch!

Scott (rubbing head): 'Scuse me, should've watched where I was going.

Woman: That's all right. No harm done. Is that Shonen Jump?

Scott: Yes, an old issue. Catching up on--(doubletakes)--You know what Shonen Jump is?

Woman: Sure! I just moved to the area; I didn't know there were any manga fans here.

Scott: We are kind of thin on the ground. I'm Scott K. Jamison, by the way.

Woman: I'm Daisy, Daisy Ross. Pleased to meet you. Your name seems familiar. Have you ever heard of Champions?

Scott: I wrote "Allies" for it.

Daisy: Neat! I loved Zen Team.

Scott (putting hand behind head): Gosh, thanks. What do you do?

Daisy: I design avionics. Learned in the Air Force.

Scott: No kidding! I was Air Force too. Where were you stationed?

* * *

(Some time later, out on the lawn. Scott and Daisy play chess while talking constantly. From behind a bush, female Ranma, Akane and Shampoo watch intently.)

Akane: I think it's working!

Ranma-chan: I can't believe one of our plans is finally working!

Shampoo: How come chubby girl no treat Scott like dirt?

Ranma-chan: I haven't the foggiest. Maybe our new partner did
something. I just hope it holds. Speaking of holding, leggo my butt, Shampoo.

Shampoo: Shampoo no touch Ranma.

Akane: Oops. (Blushes, removes hand)

Ranma-chan: Who's the pervert?

* * *
(Checking out. Ranma and Scott are once again buried under
suitcases. Shampoo and Akane compare tans.)

Mama: Did you enjoy your stay?

Akane: Yes, Mama. Your place is very nice.

Ranma: So, who's the girl I saw you with? Looks like you spent a lot of time together.

Scott: Her name's Daisy. I think she likes me. She gave me her
telephone number!

Ranma: Did you score?

Scott: Ranma! We just talked a lot. She's very interesting. Maybe we'll have something, maybe not. I'll just take it slow and see how it develops.

* * *

(The Renaissance Festival in Shakopee. Scott and Daisy are
chowing down on turkey legs while watching a pink-haired female juggler. Suddenly, Ranma runs by, followed by Akane, who's waving a wooden battle axe.)

Ranma: Uncute tomboy!

Akane: Weirdo jerk!

(They run off.)

Daisy: Shouldn't we stop them?

Scott: Nah. They do that all the time. They'll make up, or at least calm down, in an hour or two.

Daisy: At first, I didn't really believe they were...you know. But watching them, it's pretty obvious. Why are they staying with you?

Scott: They've been, um, helping me with some things. They got me that newspaper column job and suchlike.

Daisy: That's nice. And they certainly make life more interesting.

Scott: You could say that.

* * *

(A mall. Scott and Daisy are facing away from each other,
looking angry. Akane and female Ranma look on, appalled.)

Daisy: Lazy irresponsible twit!

Scott: New Age Gen X flake!

Ranma-chan: I have the strangest sense of deja vu.

Akane: Y'know, we really should try to set a better example for them...

* * *

(Scott's apartment. Toddler versions of Scott, Ranma and Daisy chase each other around the room while a frazzled Akane tries to keep order. Shampoo looks at a vial and scratches her head.)

Shampoo: Crap! This not Passion Spice either!

Akane: EPA or no EPA, as soon as I get a free moment, I'm flushing those furshlugginer herbs of yours!

Daisy: Whee!

Akane: No, dear, Auntie Akane's socks are staying on, thank you...

* * *

(The apartment again, with a Christmas party in progress. With most of the Ranma cast in attendance, it's standing room only. In fact, Tsubasa has taken refuge on the ceiling as a light fixture, dangling a sprig of mistletoe. Ranma and Akane maneuver Scott and Daisy under the mistletoe and point up. There's some scuffling and blushing and suchlike cuteness before Scott finally gets up the nerve and they kiss clumsily, obviously a first kiss.)

Various: Yay! All right! Banzai! Finally!

Ranma: Yo, Ryouga. Two things. First, thanks for helping me out
against that sewage monster. We make a good team.

Ryouga: No problem. They ever find out where it came from?

Ranma (eyeing Akane): It's a complete mystery.

Ryouga: Ohh... and the second thing?

Ranma: You and Akari are up next. (push)

* * *

(Valentine's Day, Scott's apartment. Scott and Daisy are
cuddling while watching Wedding Peach. Akane and Ranma slowly slide small boxes towards each other. Akane opens hers to find a bead necklace, Ranma finds chocolate in his.)

Ranma: Thanks, Akane. These aren't...homemade...chocolates, are they?

Akane: You're welcome, and thanks for the necklace. Try them and find out.

(Ranma hesitates, and Akane punches him lightly.)
(The door crashes in, revealing Shampoo. She's lugging a
chocolate heart larger than her head. Including hairstyle.)

Shampoo: Nihao! Shampoo show how much she love Ranma!

Scott: And how little you value my damage deposit...

* * *

(Early spring, Loring Park. Snow is still on the ground, but it's a sunny day. Scott and Daisy stroll along the path until they find a reasonably dry bench. Strangely, Scott is wearing a straw hat and Daisy is carrying a parasol. They are followed at a not-quite-far-enough distance by Ranma, Shampoo and Akane. The latter three duck behind a hedge.)

Akane: You think he's really going to do it?

Ranma: Well, he said they wanted to be alone today, so it's possible.

(Scott goes down on one knee and takes off his hat.)

Shampoo: Why Scott do that?

Akane: It's a Western custom for proposing, kind of old-fashioned.

Ranma: He's really going to do it!

Scott (sings): Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do;
I'm half-crazy over the love of you;
It won't be a stylish marriage,
I can't afford a carriage,
But you'll look sweet, upon the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.

(Oh c'mon, you *knew* this was coming the first time you heard her name!)

Daisy (twirling parasol, sings):
Scott J, Scott J, here is my answer true;
You may be crazy, but still I'm in love with you;
I don't need a stylish marriage,
Or even a fancy carriage,
For love's as sweet, upon the seat,
Of a Bicycle built for two...
(she stands up)
Daisy (sings): Of a bicycle built,
(Scott rises)
Scott (sings): of a bicycle built,
(They hug)
Scott & Daisy (sing): of a bicycle built for two!

Shampoo: When silly couple stop singing about bicycles and propose?

Akane: That *was* the proposal.

Ranma: And she said yes!

Shampoo: Hurray! (Jumps up with her arms in the air.)

Scott (without looking): You kids can come out now.

(the trio gets up and walks over to the happy couple.)

Ranma: Congratulations!

Akane: You knew we were there all along, didn't you?

Daisy: Mm-hmm. Actually, we've been engaged for a week.

Scott: But after all your hard work, we figured you deserved a bit of a show.

Shampoo: So romantic! So, Ranma sing to Shampoo to propose?

(Everyone looks at her funny.)

Shampoo: What?

TO BE CONCLUDED

SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(standard disclaimer)
Chapter Seven: Sweet Revenge

(Scene: A church, where a wedding is about to begin. Scott and Daisy's wedding to be precise. The guests are being seated. They can be broken into roughly two groups: Real-life relatives and friends of the happy couple, and fictional characters, though today the lines are somewhat blurred. Most of the anime, manga, comic book and role-playing game characters have tactfully worn formal or semi-formal clothing, although a few are in their standard outfits. Some of the more outlandish-looking types are getting stares. Fanfic authors feel free to cameo.)
(The music begins, played by a pretty pink-haired organist.)
(A few stragglers, including Ryouga, a one-eyed old man in a gray cloak and two female police officers who look vaguely familiar manage to find seats.)
(The processional begins. Daisy and Scott are of course bride and groom. Ranma and Akane get to be best man and maid of honor respectively. The rest of the wedding party are real-lifers, including Scott's nephew Terran as ring bearer and niece Faith as flower girl (because they're cute!) Everyone takes their places and the ceremony begins.)

Serena: What gives? I thought this Scott guy was supposed to be
incredibly ugly. He looks normal to me.

Neo-Queen Serenity: That's because he never truly was ugly. His
seemingly hideous appearance was really a metaphorical outward
manifestation of the way his treatment by women made him feel. Now that he's found love, he doesn't look so bad. We'll see a lot of this sort of thing over the years.

(The Good Book is read, followed by Eriko Tamura singing "When I Fall In Love.")

Soun: WAAH! (copious tears)

Nabiki: Honestly, Dad, show a little dignity.

Soun: But I always cry at weddings. It's a tradition!

(The minister gives his wedding sermon. Some of the less
attentive members of the audience start fidgeting. There's a brief electrical glow as Ataru is "discouraged" from making moves on Makoto Kino. (Yes, both Sailor Scouts and Senshi are in attendance.) More stragglers in bizarre clothing sneak in. Several of them vaguely resemble Scott.)

Mimsey (tall buxom blonde police officer): Isn't it romantic? Our creator is getting married!

Kira (looks like a white-haired Noa Izumi): Yeah, but remember our mission! Today the Hanged Lord will be arrested! (gestures towards the one-eyed man.)

(The organist launches into a medley of favorite anime love
songs. Most of the real-life people are completely baffled.)

Ranma (thinks): I'm amazed nobody's disrupted the wedding yet. Akane sure looks beautiful, I should tell her. Man, I hope we eat soon.

Akane (thinks): I hope Ranma and I get another romantic scene soon. Maybe even a story where he likes my cooking. Daisy and Scott look so happy!

Ukyou (thinks): I love weddings! Too bad I don't get to be the bride often enough...sure hope Zen hurries up and writes one for me soon! The catering contract for this should pull in a bundle.

Shampoo (thinks in Chinese): Why do I not get more decent stories where I marry Ranma? I must redouble my efforts!

Kodachi (thinks): HOO--(On second thought, let's not go there :-)

Various Women Who in Real Life Wouldn't Give Me the Time of Day (think): Dang! I never noticed what a good catch Scott was until it was too late! Boy am I sorry I passed him up when he was available.

(Hey, it's *my* fantasy, okay?)

Minister: If there is anyone here who has any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

(Dead silence for a count of ten. Everyone sighs in relief when no challenge is forthcoming.)

(The vows and rings are exchanged.)

Minister: I now pronounce you husband and wife. Go ahead, kiss.

(Scott and Daisy do.)

Ataru: The tongue, man! Use the tongue!

Lum: *ZAP*

(After a brief prayer, everyone sings the hymn "Morning has
Broken" and the service is over.)

* * *
(The reception hall, well into the celebration. Several
familiar-looking women meet by the okonomiyaki grill.)

Priss: You gave them a life-sized stuffed Ranma?

Kodachi: Why not? It's what he gave me for *my* wedding. What did he do to you?

Priss: He made me date his friend's avatar. That part wasn't so bad, the guy was kinda sweet and a real gentleman, but I hadda give up drinking, smoking and cussing for the duration.

(Pulls out a hip flask and takes a swallow.)

Haman Khan: He had the cream of Neo-Jion defeated by Pastel Yumi and a tabloid reporter. Admittedly, we didn't have our mecha, but really now... And you, dear?

Eiko: I don't want to talk about it.

Kodachi: Oh, do dish the dirt. It'll make you feel better.

Eiko: It's just so *hentai*! (whispers details)

Haman: You don't mean...

Eiko: Yup. And then the stupid GM kept juggling the timeline so we never actually got to consummate!

Priss: Now *that's* hentai. Have a belt, kid.

(Hands her the flask.)

Eiko: Don't mind if I do.

(Ataru gets girl-chasing tips from City Hunter while Lum talks to Uncle Helmar. The latter is desperately trying to ignore her green hair, pointed ears, fangs, horns and the fact that she's hovering a foot above the ground. It's not working and Helmar is fingering his pocket crucifix...)

(Pastel Yumi sorta-flirts with Terran, who's still in his
"girls? Why would I hang out with girls?" phase.)

(Brainiac Five and Sailor Pluto slip off for a while. Their
clothing is noticeably disarrayed when they come back.)

(A young woman with very feline features, fur and a tiger-striped dress approaches Ranma.)

Catspaw: Hi! Catspaw think pig-tailed boy look good in tux. Want to play?

Ranma: YAAH! Neko-musume! (Runs away.)

Catspaw: Why he run? Catspaw not bite.

Shampoo: Long sad story. Shampoo tell Catspaw...

(Akane talks to SKJAM! (Scott's alter ego in GRIT) and the
organist.)

SKJAM!: But how did you finally get him with someone?

Akane: It wasn't easy. We finally had Shampoo use her brainwashing trick to make Scott forget her. (Gestures towards organist.)

SKJAM!: I feel I should know you Miss, but the name escapes me.

Organist: I'm Minky Momo. Pleased to meet you.

Akane: Scott was skittish about using magic, so we made him forget about Momo and what happened in her series so he wouldn't spot the clues.

SKJAM!: Using magic to make someone fall in love is unethical, you know.

Momo: No, no! The Legend Inn doesn't make people fall in love, it just increases the chance that two people who will fall in love will meet. To about 95%.

SKJAM!: I see. The "Love Boat" effect.

Akane: Except with less washed-up actors.

Momo: After that, it was just a matter of subtly nudging the
relationship along.

(A six-year-old girl with an off-center brown ponytail runs by, followed by her rather harried mother. The girl drops a manga, a doll and several small toys as she runs into Ranma.)

Ranma: Whoa, little lady! You all right?

Mirai: I'm okay, Mister.

Future Natsumi (bowing): I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Saotome.

Ranma: No problem. Say, what's this? (picks up the manga) "Adventures of the Jamison Family"?

F. Natsumi: It's about what happens when Scott and Daisy's children hit adolescence.

Ranma: You don't say. (flipping pages) Hmm..heh...uh-oh...wow! And this is only Volume One?

Mirai: Mama reads it to me all the time! Auntie's best!

F. Natsumi: My aunt is the artist, you see...

Ranma: I think we'll keep this little gem a secret...

(Scott and Daisy are chatting with a young Japanese woman with multi-colored hair and a "tough" attitude that on her comes across as kawaii.)

Scott: Are the rest of Zen Team here, Nezuko?

Nezuko: They're around here somewhere.

Daisy: You have very...interesting hair.

Nezuko: Thanks. Y'know, I think this is the first wedding I've been to that didn't have a fight erupt--

Voice (off): HAHAHAHAH!

(A figure stands in the window. He's wearing a white rubbery bodysuit with black trim and a scarlet cape. Though his features are hidden by a mask, he carries himself with an air of nobility. He wields a single red rose, which he throws at Nezuko. She slices it in half with a switchblade we didn't notice she had.)

Figure: At last you shall be mine, proud beauty!

Nezuko: Not again! Go away Zen Scorpion!

Zen Scorpion: Certainly not! At least not before my minions capture you and destroy your teammates! Attack!

(Generic sentai cannon fodder pour into the room.)

Kira: C'mon Mimsey! Hanged Lord, you have the right to re--

Hanged Lord: I'll not be captured today! (Touches runes sewn into his cape and chants in Old Norse. Several *large* wolves suddenly appear.)

Haman Khan (into communicator): Strike now! Sieg Jion!

(Neo-Jion troopers storm in.)

(Grand Guignol, a mad scientist that looks like an evil Einstein, grows to twenty feet tall.)

GG: At last! Let no one escape alive, my Theatre d'Horreur!

(More supervillains reveal themselves.)

Nezuko (slapping her watch): Zen ON! (She transforms into Zen Mouse and promptly turns invisible to hide her embarrassingly kawaii pink costume.)

Ranma: All right! Fight sequence!

Kodachi: Who is this Zen Scorpion, and why does he excite me so?

(Rips off her dress to reveal her leotard and bounds for the
intruder, spinning her ribbon as she goes.)

Kodachi: HOOHOOhahaOHHOO!

Zen Scorpion: Who is this crazy woman, and why do I suddenly feel less interested in Nezuko?

(Various heros transform, change clothes or just launch into the hordes of baddies. Massive action scenes involving ki blasts, giant carnivorous plants, sharp pointy objects, lightning bolts, small arms fire, blunt trauma and just hitting people ensue. Even some of the real-life people get involved, as any martial arts training, combat experience or even just a good attitude makes them equal to the faceless minion types.)
(Miraculously, no one important is seriously hurt, and Scott and Daisy come through entirely unscathed. Actually, Scott's tie is missing, but everyone knows Scott hates ties, so he probably threw it away when no one was looking. Oh, and Ataru is embedded face-first in the concrete floor, but he'll be better soon.)

(The hall is a shambles though, and some of the departing guests look a bit worse for wear.)

Random Guest: Weird food, really strange guests, and the biggest
special-effects budget I've ever seen for entertainment! Scott really knows how to throw a party.

(The Bronze Saints leave. Ikki's tux has had the sleeves torn off. Not that the damage was done in combat; he just like them that way.)

Ikki: C'mon, just one more Genma Ken for the road?

Seiya: No! Two dream sequences are enough for any story.

(Eventually, it's down to the happy couple, a few relatives and Team Ranma.)

Scott: I'm really going to miss you guys.

Daisy: Me too.

Ranma: Nice to hear that, but we really gotta let you get on with your life. Get some peace and quiet for a while. (thinks) You'll need it...

Akane: Congratulations! We might drop by in a year or two to see how you're getting on.

Shampoo: Daisy no throw bouquet?

Daisy: That's right! In all the commotion we forgot that! Line up girls!

(The female cast members gather in a cluster, and Daisy tosses the flowers. They keep bouncing about as the girls body check each other and such like, then fly up into the air. The bouquet lands in Ranma's arms just as a passing truck splashes a puddle on him, now her. She looks dazed.)
(Closeup of Scott and Daisy's laughing faces. They fade into pastel line drawings, and we pull back to see it's an illustration in a book.)

Old Woman (voice-over): And they lived happily ever after.

Child (v/o): Really and truly?

(We pull back and see an elderly female Ranma surrounded by
children.)

Ranma-obaasan: Well, actually they lived reasonably happily for a good long time. But the other ending is more traditional.

Child: I wanna hear the one about the evil kumquat fairy! Pleese, Gramma?

Ranma-obaasan: How many times do I have to tell you young'uns, it's *Grandpa*!

THE END

Thanks to everyone who put up with this.
Inspirations for this story include the Chrys Saga, Twisted Path, Bubblegum Eek and fragments of many other fanfics.
Also, thanks to the Fan Fiction Mailing List, who thought this story was special enough to start its own subgenre.

"Sauce" is dedicated to everyone who's ever deserved a happy ending.

SKJAM!
"Waiting for my life to begin..."